you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
