every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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