and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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