can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
