I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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