Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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