Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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