Is it because I queefed?
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
