A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
