**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Plan B is the new Plan A
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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