Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Randomize
