So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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