my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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