I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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