my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
