too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
