You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Randomize
