you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
