I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
