I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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