There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Randomize
