I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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