So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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