apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
