dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
