mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
