I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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