I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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