Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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