Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Randomize