Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I smell like Dick and happiness
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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