so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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