Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
