I could make wine with my vomit
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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