I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
