I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
It's rum buckets o'clock
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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