i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
