Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
