this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
