We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I'm just crazy horny about you
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
