Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
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