planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
