I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
