God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
