Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
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