Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
