Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
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