I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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