you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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