So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
