I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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