i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Randomize
