dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
