I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
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