Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
